8 BUDDHIST EMOTIONAL QUOTIENT (SOFT SKILLS) USED AS TECHNIQUES FOR BUDDHIST FAMILY THERAPY

Thứ năm - 09/05/2019 05:57
by Sarath Chandrasekara




 
BUDDHIST EMOTIONAL QUOTIENT (SOFT SKILLS) USED AS TECHNIQUES FOR BUDDHIST FAMILY THERAPY

by Sarath Chandrasekara *




ABSTRACT

It is very important to understand that Buddhist emotional intelligence is not the opposite of intelligence. It is not the triumph of heart over head. It is the unique interaction of both.

Buddhist soft skills introduced to the world by the Buddha before 2600 years back in India. It can be used as conflict resolution tools in any given situation without any discrimination. It basically focuses for understanding yourself, motivating yourself, managing your own emotion, your goals, intentions, responses, behavior and all. Similarly given attention to understand others, recognizing other peoples emotions and managing relationships also given prime concern. The main research aims is to find Buddhist Soft skills as the useful techniques for the Buddhist family therapy.

The Family is basic socialization unit of the society. This is the focal point of the develop country and if the families are healthy and well balanced then there are no conflict in the society. Buddhism also emphasizes the importance of family life. The concept of Family receives significant attention from both sociologists and psychologists. Their approach to resolve family issue are known as family counseling which constitute treatment in the whole family is the focus, rather than an individual family member. Social


*Assistant Professor
Head, Department of Buddhist Studies and Department of Counseling Psychology Sri Lanka International Buddhist Academy, Sri Lanka
 


Scientists have shown that there are three basic human expectations namely Safety, Satisfaction of the basic needs and undisturbed life. Also the dynamic arising from emotional states and interpersonal relationships among the Family members contribute to the personal development and the welfare of each and every family member. Family Therapy is branch of Psychotherapy that works with families and couples in intimate relationships to nurture change and development. It tends to view change in terms of the systems of the interaction between family members.it emphasizes family relationships as an important factor in psychological health. Buddhist Family therapy is based on resolving issues before they turn into nasty conflicts. Its an approach based on problem prevention rather than conflict resolution. It addresses the root causes and effects and find ways to present issues from becoming conflicts. If the husband and wife attend to their duties and responsibilities (Based on Sigalovada Sutta) their family experiences harmony and progress. This is the balance of equilibrium conducive for their family to grow. This is the goal of Buddhist Family Therapeutic techniques, family members become conscious of their roles, which is essential in maintaining the equilibrium. The trust between the husband and wife is the basis for the welfare of the other family members and it leads to the happy family life. Buddhist soft skills are use as techniques for further application. Buddhist soft skills use as family Therapeutic techniques is most effective to keep harmonious family life today. This will leads to the sustainable societies in the world.
1. WHAT ARE SOFT SKILLS?

In the 1950s, a Professor of humanistic psychology, Abraham Maslow, argued that the needs of human beings could be arranged like a ladder or pyramid. As the foundation of this structure, the most basic needs are physical –food water air the next tier is psy- chological and social needs related to belonging and acceptance by others. The pinnacle of all human needs at the top of the lad- der is self actualizing’ needs. The need to fulfill the tier of needs below. By placing self actualization is a kind of ideal state of exis- tence. Self actualizing people tend to focus on problems outside of themselves, have a clear sense of what is true and what is phony, are
 


spontaneous and creative, and are not bound too. Strictly by social conventions1.

Maslows work sparked the “Human Potential’ movement, which led to the development of many new science studying human capacity. The great potential of self actualized beings unleashed by Maslow would remain largely dormant until 1990 when serious research began to define both emotions and intelligence. One of these researchers was Peter Salovey, now. Provost and Professor at Yale University. Saloveys research showed that where intelligence was once recorded as perfection’ of human capacity, people were recognizing that there was more life, and that emotion had substantive value.

The seminal publication on emotional intelligence and EQ (emotional quotient) was  an article  published in 1990  called Emotional intelligenceby Peter Salovey and john jackMayer. The article defined EQ as a scientifically testable intelligence. The team has gone on to publish numerous articles, and their definition of EQ has evolved to this2.
There are Four branch model in intelligence quotient
  • Perceiving or sensing emotions
  • Using emotions to assist thought
  • Understanding emotions
  • Managing emotions

What are the main characteristics of Emotional Intelligence


Daniel Goleman, a New York journalist and researcher was preparing to write a book on emotional literacy when he found the article by Salovey and Mayer. Goleman contacted the two professors and received their permission to use the term emotional Intelligence
In 1995 Goleman published Emotional Intelligence why it
  1. PBS databank, accessed January 19, 2019, http://www.pbs.org/wghh/aso/databank/ entries/bhmasl.htm.
  2. Mayer, J.D. and Salovey, P,, 1997, What is emotional intelligence? In P.Salovey & D.Sluyter
 


Matters more than IQ, which spent one year on the New York Times bestseller list3. During that year, Goleman was on cover of Time Magazine and appeared on both the Oprah Winfrey and Phil Donahue shows. Emotional intelligence had made its way out of academia and into the public arena.

These are the characteristics identified as the foundation of emotional  intelligence.

Self- awareness: Being aware of our own emotions, strengths, and limits, knowing our own –worth and capacities.

Mood Management (also called self regulations’: Being able to regulate our emotions, especially the painful ones, and making conscious decisions around them instead of letting our emotions control us. It also includes being willing to be responsible for our own actions, as well as being open to new ideas and information.

Motivation: Having ambition and drive, being able to take initiative , be optimistic and persistent, and make a commitment to be successful.

Empathy: Being able to sense care about, and influence other peoples feelings and emotions.

Social skills: Having the ability and willingness to create and sustain interpersonal relationships.

There are three key pursuit for learning (for teaching) emotional Intelligence4


Know yourself: becoming aware, increasing self-awareness and recognizing patterns and feeling helps you understand what make you thick” and is the first step to growth.

Choose Yourself: Becoming intentional. Building self- management and self-direction allows you to conscious choose your thoughts, feelings and actions (versus reacting unconsciously)

Give Yourself: Becoming purposeful. Aligning your choices with your large sense of purpose unlocks your full power and potential.

 
  1. Goleman, D.P., 2006, Emotional Intelligence (New York; Bantam books.
  2. Sixseconds Model, accessed January 2019, http;//www.6seconds.org/
 


It comes from using empathy and principled decision making to increase wisdom.

The competencies in these three key areas involve choices and behaviors that can be adjusted and practiced on a daily basis to achieve the desired results.

How many of us really go about life noticing what we feel, why we feel what we feel, noticing what we say and why we say it?

Developing emotional intelligence depends on cultivating these three qualities.
  • Becoming more aware, (noticing what you do)
  • Becoming more intentional (doing what you mean)
  • Becoming more purposeful (doing it for a reason).

Even though 2600 year before Buddha introduced Buddhist Emotional quotient the world not focus much about the concept. But recently Dr.Daniel Goleman5 mentioned five basic components of Emotional intelligence, self -awareness, Self-regulation, internal motivation, empathy and social skills in recent time in western world. And he further explains Soft skills are personal attributes that describe an individuals ability to interact with others. Soft skills also known as people skills complement hard skills to enhance an individuals relationships. Every institution/organization is a complex organism, planning, reacting, adapting, evolving, growing and shrinking in response to external demands and internal capabilities. The ability to execute depends on soft skills or human capabilities. Soft skills is a term often associated with a persons EQ (Emotional Quotient) cluster of personality trait, social graces, communication, language, personal habits, friendliness, Strong work ethics, Positive attitude. Good communications skills, time management abilities, problems solving skills, acting as a team player, self-confidence, ability to accept and learn from criticism, flexibility and adaptability,(Goleman Daniel 1995) These are the social skills need for any kind of socialization and

 
  1. Goleman, Daniel 1995 , Emotional Intelligence Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, Bantam books,
 


mainly important to the family life. Goleman further clarified the term soft skillsThe phrase soft skillsis often used to describe the skills which characterize relationships with other people, or which are about how you approach life and work. Others phrases that are often used for these types of skills include: people skills, interpersonal skills, social skills’ or transferable skills’‘ Hard skills’, by contrast, is a phrase usually used to describe job-specific skills. Examples of such skills include professional skills like bricklaying or accountancy, (Goleman; 1996) in his book Social intelligence he further explain term in wider manner, The term, soft skills,was referred to by different names in the past, and often is mistaken for emotional intelligence, interpersonal skills, communication skills, and behavioral skills. In fact, soft skills are all about your personality, attitude, and behavior. Soft skills are the way you put across things in a positive, polite, pleasing, and polished manner. They are different from hard skills, which are your technical skills and domain competence.

Roger R.Pearman explained words are magical. If you know how to articulate them effectively, politely, and pleasingly, you can execute your tasks effectively. You can come out with flying colors regardless of the industry and sector you are in. You can avoid ill will among the people. With soft skills, you can easily manage organizational politics and present things in a positive perspective by changing your behavior as per the situation. You can develop emotional intelligence quotient and assertiveness, which is an ingredient of soft skills.6 David R.Caruso also given unique idea about the soft skills as it is very important to understand that emotional intelligence is not the opposite of intelligence, it is not the triumph of heart over head-it is the unique interaction of both.7 This is comprehensive background of research in recent studies.
    1. WHAT IS A BUDDHIST SOFT SKILL?

Buddha used soft skills to spread this great doctrine thought out the world. After 2600 years also many people focus their mind into
 
      1. Goleman.D., Social intelligence, the new science of social relationship-p 28
      2. Pearman, Rogers R., 2001, ‘Introduction to type and Emotional Intelligence. CPP.In- c,California
 


Buddhism. This is due to Buddhas soft skills. In one sutta called Kewaddha sutta8 Buddha mentioned to his disciples not to do any kind of magic or miracle to bring devotees, but can be used Anusasana pratihara’ means miracle of advising. There are lots of people from various religious background became Buddhist and follow great dhamma, and trying to reach final goal called Nibbana. At the same time Buddha advised to all lay people to maintain healthy family life. To have concrete happy married life need basic information and has great deal of knowledge to understand each partner for healthy relationship. “Marriage is an important step in ones life. Marriage helps one to maintain happiness, though sharing life with another may become troublesome for various reasons. More than ever before, young people pay attention to Family therapy because of those very problems which arise from sharing life. It is also noticed that some people attend counseling prior to their marriage because it provides support and guidance necessary to resolve both potential and actual problems. In all of this the family as an institution provides the basis for ones personal development. When families are disturbed in their development, people seek family Therapy. If one family member becomes seriously ill, it impacts everyone in the family. Family counseling can be applied to families in various ways, either with individual family members or as a group with many family members who experience the same problem within the family or even with additional families who experience similar problems. The important points to examine when providing Buddhist Family Therapy are; what does the family mean to each of the members? How do they maintain the family as a group? What are their common goals? And what is the objective of the counseling? Generally, the main goal of Family therapy is directed at establishing equilibrium within the family.9 To have equilibrium most important techniques are soft skills. Buddha used all kind of soft skills and preached in many suttas for healthy relationships. When we pay our attention to Tripitaka there are lots of suttas related to pre marriage counseling and soft skills. In the Pali Suttas, Though Singālovada Sutta takes a prominent place in
 
      1. Caruso David. R. 1999 Emotional intelligence, Wisdom publication, USA
      2. Kewaddha sutta, 34-Diga nikaya
 


Buddhist Family Therapy, several other Suttas and Jātaka Stories on this subject can be found in the Pāli Canon. Some of them are as follows: Mahaparinibbana sutta, Aggannu Sutta, Uggaha Sutta, Pattakamma Sutta, Migasāla Sutta, Sabbrahma Sutta, Vasala Sutta, Parabhava Sutta, Mahagovinda Sutta, Sattabhariya Sutta, Culavyuha Sutta, Mallikā Sutta, Cullavedella Sutta, Vatthu Sutta, Natthiputta Sutta, Dhitu Sutta, Vepulla Sutta, Vanijja Sutta, Vyaggapajja Sutta, Kinti Sutta, Parisa Sutta, Kosambi Sutta, Mahanama Sutta, Sakkanamassa Sutta, Itthibandhana Sutta, Purisa Bandhana Sutta, Sama Jataka and Māthuposatha Jātaka.

When we give introduction to Buddhist soft skills the main idea is mindfulness. Mindfulness meditation is a very powerful tool for developing soft skills. Loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, equanimity, conviction, virtuousness, learning, generosity, wisdom, will be main focus in Buddhist soft skills to conflict resolution with reference to the Tripitaka. Buddhist soft skills will be one of the great tools for finding solutions to many problems occur in the contemporary world today, and it leads to make a big foundation for Happy family life and to manage conflicts all over the world as mental health techniques. Buddhist soft  skills  are more important to use as counseling techniques for pre marriage counseling..

When we further focus to Buddhist soft skills, there are lots of soft skills use as counseling techniques for pre marriage counseling. First time in the history Buddha summoned his 60 disciples and exhorted them to spread the dhamma as they are all freed of human or divine shackles:

Caratha bhikkhave carikam bahujanahitaya bahujanasukhaya lokanukampaya atthaya hitaya sukhaya  devamanussanam.  Ma ekena dve agamittha.  Desetha bhikkhave dhammaadikalyanam majjhekalyanam pariyosanakalyanam sattham savyanjanam kevalaparipunnam parisuddham brahmacariyam pakasetha.” (Vinaya Pitaka (Mahavagga)

Go forth, O monks, for the welfare of the many, for the happiness of the many, out of compassion for the world, for the good, benefit and happiness of gods and  men.  Two  should  not
 


take the same path. Teach the dhamma which is excellent in the beginning, excellent in the middle and excellent in the end, both in spirit and letter. Proclaim the holy life, perfect and pure.

Buddhist Mindfulness meditation is a very powerful tool for developing soft skills. This has been demonstrated in a number of scientific researches. Recent neurological research has taken picture of peoples brain while engaged in mindfulness meditation. These pictures illustrate heightened activity in the part of the brain related to self-awareness.10 Self-awareness is the foundation of Emotional Intelligence, Loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, equanimity, conviction, virtuousness, learning (suta) generosity, wisdom, will be main focus in Buddhist soft skills use as counseling techniques. Four Sublime statuses are most important soft skills to follow by the person to achieve peaceful life. Following are the most valuable soft skills to practice to manage conflicts. These soft skills found in the Tripitaka.
  • Loving kindness (metta) This is one of the ingredient of the family life, love is needed without any boundaries. One who practices metta the person will be one of the best person in the society and no harm to the society in any form.
 
  • Compassion (Karuna) when someone feels unhappy and need of the emotional support that is called Compassion. This soft skills are main important to the pre marriage counseling as effective technique.
 
  • Sympathetic or altruistic (Muditha) When someone is getting success, we should also happy about their success.
 
  • Equanimity (Upekkha) Life is not always in the heavenly feeling and have to face day today conflicts and therefore we have to learn how to manage the middle path by not going to any kind of extreme ends.

Four Ways of Showing Favor are, also effective counseling techniques for Pre marriage counseling in according to the Buddhism.

 
      1. Buddhist pre marriage counseling research paper for UNDV 2012 Conference-by same author
 
 
    • Practicing generosity (dana) having a generous and liberal attitude of giving, caring, and sharing with others. Feeling of empathy, entertaining and appreciating others' achievements. These are the qualities required for pre-marriage counseling. If mainly husbands have to make habit of caring and sharing with wives. That will be the foundation for family life.
 
    • When communicating with others, use the pleasant, endearing words, which are lovable and worth recording (piyavacana or peyyavacca)
 
    • Engaging in welfare work (atthacariya). Helping those who are in need of help and the concern for the wellbeing of people of all walks of life.
 
    • Fellow feeling (samanattata) Treating others with fairness and equality without any discriminations.

Buddhism always advises laypeople to take Buddhas biography as a model. These are soft skills always Buddha used in he was in temple.
    • Ehisagathavadi – (if someone comes to the Jethavana temple Buddha he himself talk to the concern person
    • Pubbhabasi – He speaks first
    • Ambhaputika – he is very pleasant when he talks
    • Uttanamukha – he ready to talk anytime for the benifit of others
    • Sakila – he listens as best friend to others persons story.11 According      to       the     Anguttaraniakaya(A-III                               pp   110-111)
enumerating, outstanding, qualities of the effective counsellor are
given below :
    • He does not get emotionally disturbed and distracted by intense passion for what is attractive.
 
    • He is not irritated by what attempts the average falk to get irritated.

 
      1. Research done by Dr.David Richardson, 2015 Monitor magazine March edition, American Psychological Association.
 
 
  • He is steady, firm and not deluded in the presence of bewildering  impressions
  • He never falls into a fit of anger
  • He does not get discomposed in what is enchanting.

Addressing venerable Ananda the Buddha also has outlined five qualities of a Counsellor,
A counsellor follows the gradual method in his counseling sessions
  • He keeps the causal genesis in his reference
  • He handles the case with kindliness
  • He does not aim at worldly gains
 
  • He does not attend to the case in a way that it hurts his own interest of others.
 
  • To be a good counselor one must cultivate human qualities of empathy, caring, honesty and compassion and possessed of a good character.

The four modes of explanation of problem have a great relevance to our study of techniques of counseling it brings into focus how the Buddha analysed the facts before him and helped clients resolved their issue. It lays out the plan for the counsellor to approach his clientssproblem and evaluate it critically for effective counseling. The four modes are stated thus,
  • Problems    that    ought    to    be    solved    categorically (ekamsavyakaraniya)
 
  • Problems that tought to be solved withcounter question (patipuchavyakaraniya)
  • Problems that ought to be set aside(thapaniya)
 
  • Problems     that      should     be      solved     analytically (vibbajjavyakaraniya)

The Buddha stressed the fact that a Counsellor should be pure and unblemished in his character. One who is impure in five factors are unfit for counseling.
  • Impure moral habit (aparisuddhasila)
 
 
    • Impure mode of livelihood (aparisuddhaajiva)
 
    • Impure expounding of the norm (aparisuddhadhammadesana)
    • Impure exposition (aparisuddhaveyyakarana)
    • Impure knowledge and insight (aparisuddhananadassana)

The Buddha was gradual in his approach. In description of gradual method of instruction(anupubbikatha) and the standard method of instruction (samukkansikadesana)

The Buddha describe eight qualities of a monk who is worthy of undertaking the mission (duteyyam) (of instructing).
    • He should be a listener (sota)
    • He should be a drawer of clients attention to listen(saveta)
    • He should be a learner (uggaheta)
 
    • He should be one who causes the listener to remember (dhareta)
 
    • He should be a person who knows the fact and figures (vinnata)
    • He should be an expounder (vinnapeta)
 
    • He should be skilled in what is compatible and incompatible (kusalosabitasabitassa)
    • He should not given to quarrelling (na ca kalahakari).

These are the soft skills we found in the Tripitaka and also can be used as counseling techniques in relation with Family therapy to lead happy married life.

Some of the Western psychologists also gave their opinion regarding the concept of family.

The concept of family receives significant attention from both sociologists and psychologists. Their approach to resolve family issues are known as family therapies which constitute treatments in which the whole family is the focus, rather than an individual family member. Social  scientists  have  shown  that  therare  threbasic human expectations namely safety, satisfaction of the basic needs
 


and undisturbed life. Also the dynamics arising from emotional states and interpersonal relationships among the family members contribute to the personal development and the welfare of each and every family member. For example, Murray Bowen explains that the family must be examined as a system with chronic anxiety as the basis of unhealthy family dynamics in which the place of siblings is given an important role. The structural theorist Salvador Minuchin explains that attentions must be paid to role relationships within the hierarchical family structure in family counseling. Jay Haleys strategic therapy looks at the family issues from a problem solving perspective. Virginia Satir, a feminist family theorist, examines family issues through interpersonal communications. These are indications that there are numerous ways to look at families in resolving unhealthy dynamics. A healthy family is the corner stone of a society and thus contributes not only to the progress of an individual and the society but also to a country at large. The two elements, the individual and the society are interdependent where one needs the other to survive. Social development evolves as a result of their interactions within this relationship. All these different methods provide an in depth understanding of family dynamics for the purpose of counseling and therapy. Long before all these counseling (chandrasekara 2012)

Long before all these counseling methods were known, the Buddha, knowing that every human being wishes a peaceful and happy life, offered several discourses on healthy family dynamics and successful family Marriage life. Before we get marriage getting ready for the marriage is most important aspects and then we can learn many things in advance to the marriage. In achieving a peaceful and a happy life, the Buddha had shown a young Count Singāla a distinct path as discussed in the Sigālovada Sutta1 of the Dīgha Nikaya (D.N.). Singala had the habit of waking up in the wee- small hours, taking a bath and in soaking wet clothes, worshiping six celestial directions namely the East, the South, the West, the North, the Bottom and the Top, seeking progress and happiness as a family tradition. After seeing this unrewarding activity, the Buddha strategically recommended to Singala to replace the six directions of worship with six groups worthy of respect, attention and support
 


and to follow them in his search for peace and happiness. The recommended replacements were the Parents to the East, the Teachers to the South, the Family to the West, the Friends to the North, the Servants to the Bottom and the Noble Clergy to the Top. In this discourse, the Buddha spoke clearly of sixty one duties and responsibilities for the individual toward the above mentioned groups promoting harmony in the family and justice to the society. This list includes almost all the factors that are being discussed in the modern day family counseling and therapies

In every family the most important relationship is Husband – Wife Relationships In pre marriage counseling, pay more attention to learn the relationship between the partners. The trust between the husband and the wife is the basis for the welfare of the other family members. In the Singāovada Sutta, the Buddha discusses five factors for the husband to uphold and treat his wife. They are namely showing respect (sammāna), being courteous (avamānna), being faithful (anatichariya), handing over authority of the household management (issariya vossaggaha) and providing her with adornments (alankāranappadanena). It is the duty of the husband to honor, love and care for his wife. In our society every one of us likes to be respected and honored. Similarly the same should not be denied to the wife when its due. Also the husband shall not insult his wife nor shall he speak roughly or use foul language to hurt her feelings. A husband shall avoid involving in extramarital affairs. Now- a-days, such relationships could lead to sexually transmitted disease and many other illnesses such as Hepatitis B among others. These kind of unwholesome activities lead to disharmony and distrust between the partners and make the family unit dysfunctional. They may end up in divorce, irreversibly destroying the relationship. The wife also has five duties and responsibilities toward her husband. They are namely performing her duties (susanvihita kammanta), showing hospitality to relatives of both sides (susangahita parijana), watching over the goods brought home (samhatan anurakkhanti) and enthusiastic and skillful discharge of all her duties (dakkhava hoti anlasa sabbanivesu). These duties and responsibilities need to be taken seriously in order to create a harmonious environment for family members to grow. For example, the wife could take a
 


lead role in the manner in which the family treats their friends and relatives; especially when treating relative on the husbands side. When neglected, this leads to a lot of dysfunction in all these areas, giving rise to stress and unpleasantness resulting in conflicts among family members. These things can adversely affect the individual development of the family members. It is the wifes responsibility to take care of the wealth earned and spend it in a manner to promote and achieve success of the family in terms of the familys future economic development and personal growth. The economic stability of families can be strength for resolving family conflicts. It may also enable them to achieve unity and harmony among family members, when in conflict.

Though proclaimed 2600 years ago, the Buddhas teaching is aimed not only to achieve Nibbāna, but also to contain invaluable and significant socio-psychological guidelines toward a pragmatic approach which remains applicable to family life even in modern day society. The Buddha appreciated the advisory guidelines given to Visākha, the prominent lay female attendant at the time, by her father prior to her marriage.
They are as follows:
  • The issues or problems arising within the household should remain and resolve within the family democratically. (it is not about secrecy within a few family members)
 
  • The issues or problems from outside the family should be left outside
  • Give loans only to those who can afford to pay back.
  • Do not give loans to those who cannot afford to pay back.
 
  • Give  to  those  who  deserved  to  be  given  within  the affordability without anticipating anything in return.
  • Sit in a place that enables one to stand up when an elder arrives
  • Eat healthy
  • Sleep healthy
  • Support your husband in all his right and appropriate efforts
 
 
    • Care for and be hospitable to the parents of the husband. The Buddha noted that the mutual relationship that exists
between the man and wife may take the following characteristics.
    • A corpse like man (chovo) lives with a corpse like wife (chāvā)
 
    • A corpse like man (chovo) lives a with a goddess like wife (devi)
    • A god like man (devo) lives a with a corpse like wife (chāvā)
    • A god like man (devo) lives a with a goddess like wife (devi). The most harmonious couple is the god like man lives with a
goddess like wife. This compatibility helps a family to develop
family harmony, promoting individual growth while becoming a
blessing to society. In promoting happiness in married life, the late
Venerable Dr. K Sri Dhammananda wrote the following to describe
the mutual relationship that should exist between man and wife.
A wife should provide the husband with love, attention, family
expectations, trust, care of the children, household efficiency,
food preparation, help to resolve problems, and the support he
needs. In the same manner the husband has to fulfill toward his
wife certain duties such as kindness, courtesy, socialization, safety,
fairness, affection, honesty and civilized behavior and support. The
emotions such as love, affection and care are clearly explained in
the Purishabandana Sutta and Itthibandana Sutta of the Anguttara
Nikaya. The emotion of love between the man and women arises
through the experiences involving the five senses: namely the
figure, the smile, the talk, the tears, the clothes and the apparel, the
voice and the touch. According to the Teachings of the Buddha,
the powerful emotion of love evolves mutually in both individuals
in the background of these experiences and progresses as a strong
force incomparable to any other forces known to humans. The
mutual love, care and trust are fundamental to the existence of a
family. All of their problems can be resolved through effective and
open communication as partners. This gives rise to happiness and
balance. The Buddha has recommended ten points for the civic life
of the average householder (prutagjana).
 


They are as follow
  • Attend to the needs of your parents
  • Devote yourself for the wellbeing of your children
  • Provide safety and welfare to your wife
 
  • Maintain mutual understanding and civic duties of the married life
  • Look after the needs of your relatives
  • Respect the elders
  • Invite divine beings to rejoice in your wholesome deeds .
  • Bless the departed to be well, happy and peaceful
  • Abide by the law of the land and
 
  • Ground your family in a harmonious way of life free of unworthy efforts.

Once it was brought to the attention of the Buddha the question of an old man marrying a very young woman. In one of the Suttās in the Anguttara Nikaya, The Buddha points out that due to mental and physical tensions and the distractions in these circumstances, the family life cannot be maintained successfully. In the same Nikāya, it is mentioned that when a person is born to a harmonious family, this person becomes a blessing not only to the family but also to their environment of friends and others similar to the summer rains that make the crops thrive while generating a good feeling” all around. In the Migāsala Sutta, the Buddha applies the term sadāra santushtito explain that with harmony, husband and wife gain the maximum benefits of their sexual life, the pinnacle of married life. The successful married life or a harmonious family is a blessing not only to the people around them but it is also a state to which even the divine beings pay respect, according to the Sakkaanamassa Sutta.

Buddha advised lay people to maintain healthy relationships using soft skills. Family therapy will make big effect on relationship building and communications skills.
The main research aim is to find the adequate Buddhist soft skills
 


use as counseling techniques for young people in their family life.. In the present world there are conflicts in every society. Mainly it all begins at the family. Family is basic socialization unit. Therefore, if we want Consensus and Openness it should starts from the family. To have concrete family we need pre marriage counseling for young people to understand each other and it leads to happy family life. We have to use different methods to find ways to solve the family problems and the Buddhist soft skills will be useful techniques to solve various problems and also one of the best methods to deal with members of the society. There were some limitations due to literature based research and no scientifically proved. Even though no scientific evidence given this is one of the research area for young people to focus and my aim is to do a scientific research on this topic later.
    1. CONCLUSION

Buddhist soft skills are innovative concept for the Family therapy for the present world without any discrimination. No matter what the people belongs that will effectively work for the health of the humanity. Therefore, we all can work for the better healthy world through following the Buddhist Soft skills. The Buddhist Family therapy is based on resolving issues before they turn into nasty conflicts. Its an approach based on problem prevention rather than conflict resolution. It addresses the root causes and effects and finds ways to prevent issues from becoming a conflict. If the husband and wife attend to their duties and responsibilities, their family experiences harmony and progress. This is the balance or the equilibrium conducive for the family to grow. This is the goal of the Buddhist family therapy.
 





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